I have to let out the anger…

My car wouldn’t start today. I was spending the little time I have with my boyfriend, when we were about to leave so he could get to dinner and his night class. I put the key in the ignition, turn, and…click,click,click,click. No. Not now. Please.

My battery was just as done with this wintry weather as I am. I panicked immediately, as I do with everything that I’m sort of expecting, however dreading to occur. Keith called the campus police and they said they would send somebody in a few minutes. He had to leave for his class, so I waited. And waited. And froze.

After about ten minutes campus security rolls up. Let me be the first to say that every encounter I’ve had with these men have all been negative. Every time I have asked for help or explanations I got talked into circles and ended up crying. I tried to be friendly.

“Hello,” I cheerfully greeted the policeman as he lumbered out of his car. Well, as cheerfully as I could muster while I was still having a semi-anxiety attack.

“Hi,” he grumbled in return, “open your hood for me.”

“Okay.” (I mean, wow, I realize it’s cold, but this is your job.)

I watch in silence as he lifts my hood and attaches the sparky thing onto my battery.

“That should be good,” more of his bad attitude.

“Okay, I’ll try it!” I turn the key and luckily it starts with a roar.

“Now, you’ll need to drive it around for about 20 minutes so it powers back up.”

“Okay, thank you so much for your help!”

“Yeah.”

And, that was it. He left.

Sometimes I really don’t understand people. This man chose this job knowing that he would be dealing with college students and issues like this. It wasn’t like I was rude to him, breaking any laws, or being belligerent in any way. I was just an unfortunate student who needed a little help. I tried to be as warm as possible to him and all I got back was disinterest, annoyance, and resentment. I’m so disillusioned with our campus police. I think next time I’ll just find a peer to jump my car; at least they might be nice to me.

Thank goodness I’m dating a firefighter and not a policeman.

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I see you.

After more than a year of dating my boyfriend just started following this blog. ‘Bout damn time, seriously!

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Before we started dating I noticed (I mean I wasn’t stalking his facebook or anything…) that he posted a link to his first blog post. I followed it and drank up every word (I wasn’t looking for clues that he was thinking of me, goodness!). I’m telling you, I looked for updates on that blog daily. I read every word, and mostly in between the lines. I waited for some kind of clue that he enjoyed spending time with me. And, I (not-so-subtly) made sure he knew that I had a blog on here as well. I secretly hoped that he was checking for signs of me liking him as well, but I had no way of knowing. He never followed me. Now, I guess he realized it’s time since he’s locked into this relationship 😉

Losing It

Yesterday I was sitting with my boyfriend, Keith, and for some unknown reason I began to think about all of the writing I did while in high school and how proud I was of all the pieces I created. I shared the beginnings of a fiction piece, utilizing two points of view, with him. It was ten pages long, and if I do say so myself, was a solid foundation to what could have been a popular young adult book.

This all sparked my thinking: Where has my passion for writing gone?

I have a teaching class right now that focuses on teaching writing to grades K-4, and we are forced to keep a journal. Every week we must have a peer read our work, fill out our self-produced rubric, and critique us. Without fail, my partner tells me every week that my writing makes her feel inadequate. After ten minutes of reassuring her of the differences in style and subject matter she still insists that I am simply a better writer. However, I only find value in my writing because I am passionate and have always loved writing.

In elementary school I would write fiction and creative nonfiction short stories every week. I was pumping them out faster than my parents could read. But, sometime in middle school some girl told me my writing “sucked”. Instead of commenting on her limited vocabulary I chose to internalize this comment and never shared my writing again. Well, that is, until I took a poetry class in tenth grade. My teacher loved having everyone share their creativity, but the idea of sharing my writing with strangers terrified me to the point of tears. My senior year I took a creative communications class and discovered my voice again. I wrote every day and took pride in my ideas.

Now, I find myself started stories and never finishing them. I abandon them in faux-leather journals, discovering them months later and wishing I had ridden my wave of inspiration to completion. I think I’ve lost some of my creativity in writing. But, I sure as hell will never stop; no matter how much I “suck”.

Galentines and Valentines

The day of love and all things romance is quickly approaching. I have so many people in my life that I appreciate and love. I can’t thank people enough for helping me get through my neurotic breakdowns and feelings of inadequacy. You know who you are and you mean the world to me.

I’d like to also take a moment to celebrate how far I’ve come in my relationship with my best friend and partner in crime. He has helped me become a better person in so many ways and has helped me overcome some of my biggest anxieties. For example, I was eating with my friend, Olivia, the other day and she asked about what I’d been up to. I informed her of how my boyfriend and I went to the gym together and then cooked dinner together. The look of shock on her face surprised me. I had been so used to our level of comfort that I didn’t at first understand why she was puzzled. Then she explained her perspective: “Just a year ago you couldn’t eat a single piece of food in front of him, let him touch you, or even dream of working out with him.” She was right. I was so immersed in my experience with him that I wasn’t able to see how much of an accomplishment that was. He really is the best and I hope I never lose him. He did promise to live to 200 years. Hopefully he wasn’t lying.

2014-2015

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Here’s to a billion more memories created and mornings of eggies and Portlandia ❤

Let’s Talk About Success

Success is what I always strive for in one degree or another. But, in one area of my life I have not seen much success: weight loss. The reasons I have not had much success in the path are now very clear to me.

  • Stress
  • Poor diet
  • Emotional/boredom eating
  • Depression and terrible body-image leading to overeating
  • And little to no exercise

In the past three weeks I’ve been doing my best to correct some of these downfalls. I’ve gone to the gym at least twice a week (which is difficult with a schedule like mine). I’ve also worked on cutting out sweets. And, if you know anything about me you will know that I’m addicted to all things sugar and decadence. Additionally, I’ve been working on my self-awareness. I’ve caught myself when I’m bored or stressed and reminded myself, the chubby girl with three cookies in her hand, that she’s not actually hungry. I’ve taken the little victories and celebrated them fully. For example, when I make it through a meal without breaking down and eating junkie food I take a moment to be proud of my willpower.

So far I’m proud of how far I’ve come. At the beginning of the year I weighed around 268-270 lbs and I now weigh in at around 260. Eight pounds lost! I measure my weight loss mostly by how my clothes fit me. I was able to fit into size 18 skinny jeans from Old Navy that I haven’t been able to fit over my thighs for the past five years. I mean, wow! I’m generally a size 20-22 so this was a major accomplishment for me. I also was able to fit into a thrifted dress that I absolutely love. It has been snug since Christmas (blame it on the cheesecake). But, here are some photos of me celebrating my little victory!

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However you measure success, I hope you have the determination to see your goals through.

Hugs!

Life Happens

Hello! I’m sorry I’ve neglected my blogging duties again. I swear, one day I will have the time and energy to maintain this thing. But, I’d like to catch you up on some new things in my life.

Last semesters I ended up maintaining my 4.0 GPA after the most trying classes of my life. After surmounting that challenge I took a winter reading class. I’m hoping one day to become a reading specialist.

I also traveled to the Dominican Republic with my student organization, Reach Out. It was a fabulous experience and I loved meeting all the children. Next year I will be writing a manual to take with us! I’m really excited to start, and I will be focusing on teaching English. Here are some photos from my adventure:

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I will never forget the memories I forged while on this trip and I’ve been working very hard to share my passion with others when I returned to my University.

My family has a new member of the family named Zeros!

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In other updates, I am more in love with my boyfriend, Keith, than ever before. We’ve been together for over a year and the support he gives me has been phenomenal. Recently, I’ve been very interested in becoming more fit and healthy. He’s really helped me curb my bad habits and give me insight on how to help myself.

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My best friend, Tori, and I are gym buddies! We have both seen fabulous improvements since starting a routine at the gym at the beginning of the year. We keep each other accountable. She has started her own blog to document her journey at torimakeschanges.wordpress.com so please go follow her!

I am in a lot more clubs for education now am planning a conference for next year. I am on the Executive Board of Reach Out and am now the chair of our cultural committee.

Friends, thank you for reading and listening to my life update! I’ll leave you with lyrics from the brilliant Damien Rice:

“Just like you said it would be life goes easy on me, most of the time.”