I fall in love way too easily. It can happen within seconds. I may not know you, but I love you nonetheless. Triggered by someone’s passion, curiosity, or genuine personality. I fall in love with the light in a person’s eyes, the tone of their voice, the slight smirk that creeps upon their lips. Everyone is beautiful to me. I fall in love with the world, but I reserve my real feelings for only those who truly deserve it. Those who prove that they will not bruise my fragile sense of self.
Herein lies the problem. I fall in love so easily, but I don’t allow myself to be loved. I reject any reciprocation of my unconditional affection. There are times when I feel as though love and care are reserved for others, the chosen ones. I am not the chosen. I am a product produced only to face recall. Broken from childhood I did not learn how to be loved. I did not master the lessons in accepting compliments, being liked by another, or being admired for who I am. I cannot accept that anyone could really care about me in the unfettered, pure, and ethereal way that I love others.
I’ve been hurt too many times. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I won’t be tricked again. I won’t believe that when you ask me questions you really value my answer. You’ll never look at me in the way for which I so endlessly strive. I can’t bring myself to believe that you think about me as much as I think about you. The truth I keep hidden would disappoint you. I’m flawed. Deeply tarnished from years of self-hatred. A decade of societal loathing.
My eyes are a salty reservoir, filling to the brim and continuously teeming. But, this flood is not on your radar. It will dry in time. Ignore the shambles. Look past the tainted soil. Step over the debris, never dare to clean it up. Just find a prettier, perfect place to build your home.