Nobody Knows Me

“You never let me in!”

“You never tell me anything!”

“So, we’re both the same.”

This was the beginning to a recent conversation that my roommate and I had. I told her that I was upset that she never let me in. Being best friends I feel like we could openly talk about anything. Then she surprised me. She brought up the fact that I don’t tell her what’s going on in my head…ever. Now, I do tell her trivial things. But, when it comes to serious thoughts, secrets, fears, etc. I don’t tell anyone. I guess I think it’s okay to want to know about someone without reciprocating my own issues.

I’m guarded, to say the least. I’ve been hurt in the past and it has made me sort of shell up inside. It’s in my nature to trust and love easily and immediately. Obviously this caused me to be taken advantage of, used, abused, and walked over. I learned from this. I toughened up. I closed off. I didn’t let anyone in. The only person I trust with my real feelings, the real me, is myself. There are two sides to me: my good wolf and my bad wolf. The bad wolf is strong, knows what it wants, isn’t afraid, is outgoing, and desires things that the other side is ashamed of. The good wolf is behaved, but weak, scared, sheltered, kind, loving, and vulnerable. I present the perfect mixture to outsiders. The bad wolf steps in when the good wolf would only get harmed. The good wolf shows affection to those closest to understanding me. They are constantly competing. But, the bad wolf isn’t all negative; he protects the good wolf. When she is afraid and in a situation that would result in pain, the bad wolf steps in and lashes out before any harm is caused.

In short, I shut off situations that could possibly result in pain, shame, and loneliness because it is easier to reject myself than to be rejected by others. Recently, I’ve learned to shut the doors to my inner self to prevent this kind of harm. I don’t let anyone in.

Nobody knows me at all.

Advertisements

4 comments

  1. The Borg · October 3, 2013

    wow this is so powerful. I would like to reblog but there isn’t a ‘reblog’ button and despite blogging for a while on and off I’m too techno-challenged to do that, so I will share this as a link on my own new blog http://onethingwonderful.wordpress.com/ (no spam intended).
    This is how my ex and I would go round and round in circles and it’s a really meaningful post for me, one which I’d like to expand on in my own blog after I share this post.

    Keep writing I love what you are saying, it resonates with me xo

  2. The Borg · October 3, 2013

    Reblogged this on onething wonderful and commented:
    This post resonates so strongly with me. It’s how someone very close to me would go round and round and round in circles. Difference being I am a blabber mouth and I will tell you anything you might need or want to know and more. I will then find myself at time resenting that I’m not being asked questions – doesn’t anyone care to find out who I am? Nobody REALLY knows me at all.

    It also resonates with me because when suffering depression, anxiety or any mental illness there are times when – ok basically at all times – it feels like nobody knows me at all. Sometimes I can have a pity party about it, other times I just think ‘ugh that’s just how it is and it FUCKING SUCKS’.

    And furthermore it resonates with me because I often have philosophical conversations with friends about whether we really know anyone at all? Ever? So often you hear people wake up one morning and walk out of a relationship/have been walked out on with no idea what happened. Or find the person they love and raised their children with who valued family and went to church was actually murdering children and burying them under their house…juz sayin…

    I will expand on this in further posts but for now this is an excellent post worth a read, and the song is just a YES.

  3. olgatodd · October 4, 2013

    Great post!

    I want to invite you to join our bloggers’ community. It’s a great place to stay in touch, inspire each other and promote our talents.

    Community Link- http://inspirationfordailyliving.ning.com/blog

    Olga

    • The Borg · October 5, 2013

      oh woop woop how lovely!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s