“You never let me in!”
“You never tell me anything!”
“So, we’re both the same.”
This was the beginning to a recent conversation that my roommate and I had. I told her that I was upset that she never let me in. Being best friends I feel like we could openly talk about anything. Then she surprised me. She brought up the fact that I don’t tell her what’s going on in my head…ever. Now, I do tell her trivial things. But, when it comes to serious thoughts, secrets, fears, etc. I don’t tell anyone. I guess I think it’s okay to want to know about someone without reciprocating my own issues.
I’m guarded, to say the least. I’ve been hurt in the past and it has made me sort of shell up inside. It’s in my nature to trust and love easily and immediately. Obviously this caused me to be taken advantage of, used, abused, and walked over. I learned from this. I toughened up. I closed off. I didn’t let anyone in. The only person I trust with my real feelings, the real me, is myself. There are two sides to me: my good wolf and my bad wolf. The bad wolf is strong, knows what it wants, isn’t afraid, is outgoing, and desires things that the other side is ashamed of. The good wolf is behaved, but weak, scared, sheltered, kind, loving, and vulnerable. I present the perfect mixture to outsiders. The bad wolf steps in when the good wolf would only get harmed. The good wolf shows affection to those closest to understanding me. They are constantly competing. But, the bad wolf isn’t all negative; he protects the good wolf. When she is afraid and in a situation that would result in pain, the bad wolf steps in and lashes out before any harm is caused.
In short, I shut off situations that could possibly result in pain, shame, and loneliness because it is easier to reject myself than to be rejected by others. Recently, I’ve learned to shut the doors to my inner self to prevent this kind of harm. I don’t let anyone in.
Nobody knows me at all.