The other week I had the worst day of my entire life. It was a Thursday.
It started off as any other day at college does. I woke up, prepared for my morning classes, and faced anything with a positive attitude. But, this quickly changed as everything built up in an unbearable dam of obstacles.
First my classes weren’t going well because I had assignments approaching that I could not complete due to the uncooperative attitude of other people and the lack of help from my professors. I had so much work and no time in which to complete it. Naturally, I tried to deal with this by calling my father, crying, and talking through the situation. This calmed me down somewhat, but then something else went wrong.
My computer got a virus. I panicked; I had never had this happen while at college. No one was home in my dorm. I tried to call my dad back for advice, but he didn’t pick up. I felt so alone. I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. I was crying and incoherent when my dad finally called me back. He tried to calm me down and instructed me to take it to the University tech department. But, I didn’t know where it was located and didn’t want to go alone. My condition worsened quickly. I hyperventilated, couldn’t catch my breath, and became dizzy. I was sobbing to the point that my chest hurt. I felt helpless and alone. My vision narrowed and I couldn’t see clearly. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I later realized that I was one second away from my first honest-to-God panic attack.
Luckily my father was able to calm me down and I took my computer in for help. Little did I know it would take three days to fix. This didn’t help the fact that I still had so many assignments to complete. But, I tried to stay calm. I sat in the quad, on the phone with my mother, and continued to cry. People gave me weird glances, but I didn’t care because my world was falling apart.
I decided that night to confront a boy I had been talking to for over four months about what was going on between us. Before I sent my message I already knew the answer. I prepared myself for the heartbreak. He replied, thirty minutes later I might add, with: “I think we’re pretty good friends. What do you think?” I stared at the screen for a long time. I knew this was coming, I tried to build up my defenses, but honestly I wasn’t ready for this. I had given him my trust. I let him into my world. I told him things I’d never told anyone. I even wrote a post on this blog about him, a while ago, entitled “Open Letter to a Crush” (https://starsfromanothergalaxy.wordpress.com/2013/07/24/an-open-letter-to-a-crush/).
I had wanted to give up on him numerous times. I freaked out as I always do and wanted to tell him to never talk to me again. I wanted to push him away. I never wanted to hear his name again. But, I didn’t do any of those things and that is what made his response so painful. I gave him a chance. I got attached. I let myself open up and care about him. My mistake.
So, I spent the rest of my night crying and thinking about every exchange we had ever had. I thought about how great things seemed only a week ago; how he called me sweetie like nothing was wrong. How he led me on without a second thought. I remembered all the times I felt safe talking to him. All of those smiles, laughs, flirtatious quips. They all meant nothing. More importantly, I meant nothing to him. “[He] was fine with the way things were.” I guess it was my fault for having the tiniest amount of hope that it might turn into something more or that I might someday get to meet him.
I think he still wants to talk as friends, but how could I ever be friends with someone who had such a blatant disregard for my feelings. How could I ever talk to him again knowing that he would just toss my secrets aside, that his eyes would glaze over as I spill my soul for him.
This is just another reinforcement for my guarded behavior. One thing is for sure: because of him it will be impossible for any guy in the future to hear my thoughts. I won’t make that mistake again. I have already shut up. No one is allowed in. If I don’t share how I feel it eliminates the chance of rejection. I’ve always said that the easiest way to get hurt is to care about someone or something. I’m done caring.